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Tell us your best EVE joke!

Posted by Alex Sinclair in EVE Online

"Did you hear about the mining fleet that just wandered around aimlessly?"
"They had no Porpoise."

Full credit to Rixx Javix for that one. Now it's your turn. To win a prize, share your best EVE joke, be it an original or one you've heard elsewhere. If it makes us laugh, you'll win a prize. Simple!

We suggest using the spoiler box to hide the answer, but it's not essential. If it's not your joke but you know who came up with them, it'd be nice if you gave them credit.

Alex is on leave from 9-23 December, so please tag Rich if you have any questions during that period.

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Created at 9:00am, 4th December, 2024. Page last updated at 2:27pm, 4th February, 2025.
Deadline at 12:00am, 4th March, 2025.

Rixx Javix 1/24/2025, 3:14:53 PM

Here are some of my personal favorite Eve jokes that I've written over the years. These are for Eve players only and I must warn you, not only will non-Eve players not get these - they are all terrrible.

• Did you hear about the mining fleet that just wandered aimlessly around?

They had no Porpoise.

• A Maller walks into a bar, the bartender says, "Dude, why the long face?"

• Two Tuskers are out in deep low-sec hunting in their Rifters.

They're buds and always fly together on these long trips into deep space.

After a long day and not much success, one of the Tuskers is suddenly unresponsive.

His buddy tries everything, yelling on comms, requesting messages, even bumping,

but nothing seems to work.

Finally he asks for help on Corp Comms.

The Tusker CEO, concerned, gets on the line, "What's wrong?"

Tusker, " I dunno, we've been hunting in low-sec all day and he just stopped moving!

I've tried everything."

The Tusker CEO asks, "Is he dead?"

Tusker, "I don't know that either!"

Tusker CEO, "Well you need to make sure!!"

Comms get quiet for a second and then the Corp hears the sound of Autocannons

and a very loud BOOM!

The Tusker comes back onto Comms and says, "Ok, now what?"

I'll save the rest for another day.

Rixx Javix 1/24/2025, 3:19:57 PM

Rixx Javix

If anyone is interested in even more Eve humor, be sure to check out my long-running 1v1 Eve Comic series over at

https://www.flickr.com/photos/rixxjavix/albums/72157678035098252/with/32012444153

Hunter 12/27/2024, 11:14:53 PM

Well I tried to come up whit a good one but ended up with this joke what do you think :

Why did the capsuleer bring a blanket to a gate camp?

Limal 12/5/2024, 8:22:55 PM

One day, a friend who had never played Eve Online before decided to try it and started asking me which faction she should choose. I started to explain ship designs, philosophy, and weapon systems, but I really struggled to explain Minmatar for some reason.

Then it came to me:

Imagine you are in a wheelchair with flat tires, going down the stairs with a pair of Uzis duct-taped to the handles to shoot backward.

She instantly fell in love and created a Brutor tribe capsuleer. And her fav ship is still AC Ruppie >_<

Luka Zaharin 12/4/2024, 1:08:32 PM

EZ, this bounty is going to be fun. Can't wait to read more Eve jokes!

This one actually came for the Rogue AI ChatGPT bot on the official Eve server a short time after they made that channel. Although I seriously doubt the bot came up with the joke and I wonder if someone programmed it as a straight up set answer for the question "please tell me an Eve joke". Slightly aggressive, but very funny imho:

How many Eve players does it take to change a lightbulb?

Sturmer 12/4/2024, 12:40:31 PM

What do Minmatar engineers call duct tape?

Y0EMINENCE 12/27/2024, 11:32:53 PM

Ricdic, CEO of 'EBank', infamously siphoned 200 billion ISK to fund real-life expenses, exposing vulnerabilities in player-run banks within EVE's economy.

Why did the bank robbers use pens instead of guns? They wanted to make their point without causing a ruckus.

Deleted user 1/8/2025, 11:19:46 AM

Why does the capsuleer carry a chair in space?

Sumfin7 1/10/2025, 8:47:31 PM

"What's your name?"
"Mr. Smith"
"20,000 years later, and people still call themselves 'Mr. Smith' when they want to remain anonymous"
"Or my name is actually Mr. Smith"
"Doesn't make any difference to me. You could call yourself Elena Gazky for all I care."

-Clear Skies. I died laughing when he said that.

"30 million for ten jumps? That's amazing! Which means..."
"It's a death trap."

-Also Clear Skies. It captures the nature of EVE players so concisely

Fras_Shoyo 1/23/2025, 10:43:02 AM

Funny jokes abound in EVE Online that would make you chuckle, particularly with the clever player inventiveness and the humorous game world practices. One of them is a pun on "Ratting," (defying NPCs in the asteroid belt), that becomes "Ratting Fail":
One day, a fresh player sailed to the asteroid belt to battle rat NPC in his attempt to acquire ISK (money in EVE). Feeling clever, he selected the ship with the highest DPS (damage per second) right away to do this task quickly.
He was suddenly assaulted by another player-a PvP veteran who had been exploring EVE for a considerable period. Feeling "threatened," the NPC he was battling joined him in assaulting him even as the new player sought to flee. Laughing at the novice, the veteran said, "Welcome to EVE, where even NPCs can act like teammates who 'happen' to do more harm than good!!"

Naturally, this is a renowned illustration of how cruel and erratic the environment of EVE Online can be. For everyone just starting-in EVE, "friends" may be NPC or other players and they can be more inclined to attack than assist!

FirestormGamingTeam 2/4/2025, 1:43:57 PM

So I wasn't sure if this is okay Alex Sinclair but, I have tried to change some of the words a bit.

Please don't yell at me, I think it's Pg enough

So A Gallente Pilot meets a female Amarr pilot in a bar..

He Buys her a drink..

Things Heat Up...

She leans over and whispers something to him...

He nods and says "Other station"...

They both jump in their ships and undock...

He instantly Opens fire on her ship...

She screams over comms "What the hell are you doing?!?!?!"

He replies

"You said you wanted to get railed"....

CelestialFlea 2/4/2025, 2:29:19 PM

A capsuleer sits at a bar in j-space, a fairly green looking explorer approaches him, complete with exoplanets patch and all!

"So what brings you to J-space, looking for some relics?" Asks the explorer

"Nope"

"Huffing some of the good stuff?"

"Nope"

"Ah, you're after some blue loot then?"

"Nope"

"Why are you out here then?"

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