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EVE Online

EVE Online
ThePunisher99's avatar
ThePunisher99

Why can’t Eve players participate in a Got Talent tv Programme ?

i hope you like it

CMDR Henckes's avatar
CMDR Henckes

The Amarr sustain themselves in their religion!

The Gallente sustain themselves in peace and order

The Caldar sustain themselves in their wealth

The Minmatar try to sustain their ships together

yan57436's avatar
yan57436

Why does the EVE industrialist never despair?

JHenckes's avatar
JHenckes

Why do unlucky miners make terrible stand-up comedians?

E
ErsecondPL

Can I go in with my DRAKEEE?

FirestormGamingTeam's avatar
FirestormGamingTeam

So..

An Amarr pilot, a Gallente pilot and a Minmatar pilot walk into a bar

Today is their birthday.

The Amarr pilot hands the Gallente pilot a bottle of Quafe

The Gallente pilot gives the Amarr pilot some Slave Hounds

They keep chatting and drinking and eventually, the Minmatar pilot turns

"Not to be rude, but are you forgetting something?"

They both smirk at each other, reach into their bags and hand the Minmatar pilot a roll duct tape each....

Alex Sinclair's avatar
Alex SinclairMod
FirestormGamingTeam

Hey Firestorm. Don't worry, no yelling. But this is probably just on the wrong side of appropriateness for JA. Feel free to resubmit with a different joke, o7

FirestormGamingTeam's avatar
FirestormGamingTeam
Alex Sinclair

Okay Alex Sinclair I re-did my joke, not as funny but yeh, funny :P

Rixx Javix's avatar
Rixx Javix

Here are some of my personal favorite Eve jokes that I've written over the years. These are for Eve players only and I must warn you, not only will non-Eve players not get these - they are all terrrible.

• Did you hear about the mining fleet that just wandered aimlessly around?

They had no Porpoise.

• A Maller walks into a bar, the bartender says, "Dude, why the long face?"

• Two Tuskers are out in deep low-sec hunting in their Rifters.

They're buds and always fly together on these long trips into deep space.

After a long day and not much success, one of the Tuskers is suddenly unresponsive.

His buddy tries everything, yelling on comms, requesting messages, even bumping,

but nothing seems to work.

Finally he asks for help on Corp Comms.

The Tusker CEO, concerned, gets on the line, "What's wrong?"

Tusker, " I dunno, we've been hunting in low-sec all day and he just stopped moving!

I've tried everything."

The Tusker CEO asks, "Is he dead?"

Tusker, "I don't know that either!"

Tusker CEO, "Well you need to make sure!!"

Comms get quiet for a second and then the Corp hears the sound of Autocannons

and a very loud BOOM!

The Tusker comes back onto Comms and says, "Ok, now what?"

I'll save the rest for another day.

Rixx Javix's avatar
Rixx Javix
Rixx Javix

If anyone is interested in even more Eve humor, be sure to check out my long-running 1v1 Eve Comic series over at

https://www.flickr.com/photos/rixxjavix/albums/72157678035098252/with/32012444153

Hunter's avatar
Hunter

Well I tried to come up whit a good one but ended up with this joke what do you think :

Why did the capsuleer bring a blanket to a gate camp?

Limal's avatar
Limal

One day, a friend who had never played Eve Online before decided to try it and started asking me which faction she should choose. I started to explain ship designs, philosophy, and weapon systems, but I really struggled to explain Minmatar for some reason.

Then it came to me:

Imagine you are in a wheelchair with flat tires, going down the stairs with a pair of Uzis duct-taped to the handles to shoot backward.

She instantly fell in love and created a Brutor tribe capsuleer. And her fav ship is still AC Ruppie >_<

Luka Zaharin's avatar
Luka Zaharin

EZ, this bounty is going to be fun. Can't wait to read more Eve jokes!

This one actually came for the Rogue AI ChatGPT bot on the official Eve server a short time after they made that channel. Although I seriously doubt the bot came up with the joke and I wonder if someone programmed it as a straight up set answer for the question "please tell me an Eve joke". Slightly aggressive, but very funny imho:

How many Eve players does it take to change a lightbulb?

Sturmer's avatar
Sturmer

What do Minmatar engineers call duct tape?

Y0EMINENCE's avatar
Y0EMINENCE

Ricdic, CEO of 'EBank', infamously siphoned 200 billion ISK to fund real-life expenses, exposing vulnerabilities in player-run banks within EVE's economy.

Why did the bank robbers use pens instead of guns? They wanted to make their point without causing a ruckus.

DU
Deleted user

Why does the capsuleer carry a chair in space?

S
Sumfin7

"What's your name?"
"Mr. Smith"
"20,000 years later, and people still call themselves 'Mr. Smith' when they want to remain anonymous"
"Or my name is actually Mr. Smith"
"Doesn't make any difference to me. You could call yourself Elena Gazky for all I care."

-Clear Skies. I died laughing when he said that.

"30 million for ten jumps? That's amazing! Which means..."
"It's a death trap."

-Also Clear Skies. It captures the nature of EVE players so concisely

Fras_Shoyo's avatar
Fras_Shoyo

Funny jokes abound in EVE Online that would make you chuckle, particularly with the clever player inventiveness and the humorous game world practices. One of them is a pun on "Ratting," (defying NPCs in the asteroid belt), that becomes "Ratting Fail":
One day, a fresh player sailed to the asteroid belt to battle rat NPC in his attempt to acquire ISK (money in EVE). Feeling clever, he selected the ship with the highest DPS (damage per second) right away to do this task quickly.
He was suddenly assaulted by another player-a PvP veteran who had been exploring EVE for a considerable period. Feeling "threatened," the NPC he was battling joined him in assaulting him even as the new player sought to flee. Laughing at the novice, the veteran said, "Welcome to EVE, where even NPCs can act like teammates who 'happen' to do more harm than good!!"

Naturally, this is a renowned illustration of how cruel and erratic the environment of EVE Online can be. For everyone just starting-in EVE, "friends" may be NPC or other players and they can be more inclined to attack than assist!

CelestialFlea's avatar
CelestialFlea

A capsuleer sits at a bar in j-space, a fairly green looking explorer approaches him, complete with exoplanets patch and all!

"So what brings you to J-space, looking for some relics?" Asks the explorer

"Nope"

"Huffing some of the good stuff?"

"Nope"

"Ah, you're after some blue loot then?"

"Nope"

"Why are you out here then?"

Alex Sinclair's avatar
Alex SinclairMod
CelestialFlea

Hey CelestialFlea,

This is a well-constructed joke, but do you mind if we change 'wife' to 'partner'? It's to avoid the nagging wife stereotype that might make others feel uncomfortable, especially if we turned these jokes into a piece of curated content.

CelestialFlea's avatar
CelestialFlea
Alex Sinclair

I know you mean well Alex and I've nothing but respect for the whole JA team, but I feel this is a bit much and I feel it encroaches on creative freedom and expression. Changing the wording would change the whole dynamic of the joke, which I feel the vast majority of people can relate to. It's a joke, nothing more and nothing less. If someone is offended by the word wife, I'm afraid that's on them.

With the utmost respect, I'm going to decline.

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